This blog post is going to be a little more personal and maybe less educational.
I turn 29 on Tuesday (3/2) and to be honest I am nervous. I don't feel 29, I don't feel ready for things that my parents (at my age) already had (almost 2 children, a small business, building a house, etc.). I mean I have some of that: I have a career, I own a home and I have a partner with two pet "babies". Sometimes I don't feel my age and I catch myself thinking and feeling like I am 21 years old, just graduating college. Other times I feel 17, just getting my license and going to see my friends.
That nostalgic feeling goes deeper. Because of trauma my brain and emotional intelligence may actually be the way I sometimes feel, late teens/early 20's. But that is not why I wanted to write this blog, I didn't want it to be about why (scientifically) your body and mind can be stunted because of traumatic events. I wanted this post to be more on conditioning, especially in women.
Like I said my conditioning has made me truly believe that turning 30 means the end of my life as I know it. It means I am late to the game. I will never be a mother (like I desire to be). I will never have financial stability or freedom.
I should find a plot in the cemetery now before it's too late!
That is what runs through my head when I hear 29. My body gets stiff and sweaty and I start to think, "oh my god, this is it!"
Now this is because when I was younger I was conditioned to believe that at 30 you should have a list of things (that I do not have yet). I was also conditioned to believe that if by 30 you were not married or had a child you were "washed up" and most likely no one "wanted you".
Now some of my maladaptive thinking from my own trauma already makes me feel "unwanted, not enough, etc." and I have "abandonment issues" so thinking on this conditioning and how it was amplified by the trauma gives me some good insight into why I feel the way I feel. It also makes sense as to where the big green monster of envy and jealousy comes in.
I see a bunch of old friends getting married, having kids, buying big beautiful homes, traveling, etc. I am genuinely happy for them and only wish them long lives of containment and prosperity but after a while of seeing all these posts (which I am aware is not reality) I do get jealous and lose my gratitude. I quickly think on my list of gratitude and the jealousy and envy subsides rather quickly but it still happens!
30's are not the end. I have been realising this more and more, especially as it gets closer to becoming my reality. It does not have to be the end but that is all about how you identify and change your mindset. If you believe 30 is old and the end and nothing good will happen because you're 30, then that will become your reality and truth. If you begin to believe the opposite and start acting and behaving like the opposite is true then your reality will become that.
I am making a pact with myself that this last year of my 20's will be about shifting my own reality and creating and manifesting what I want and desire to happen in my 30's. My 30's will be a time to expand (mindset, finances, travel, prosperity, contentment, etc.).
I hope if you feel this way about age or where you are at in life you are able to gain the insight into some of your conditioning (societal, familial, etc.). An age, time, the amount you have in the bank, what you owe, should not dictate your worth or how you feel about your life. I hope you know you have the power to control your reality and if you decide to believe 30 is only the beginning then it will be as such.
You are whole with or without the things I desire and I am whole with or without obtaining those desires.
Thanks for listening!
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