Has anyone ever dealt with a partner, friend, lover, or family member that liked to sweep situations under the rug?
If a fight ensues do you like to talk it over and try and get to a mutual acceptance and understanding of what took place?
In some situations you have opposites where one likes to not engage while the other needs to speak about what took place and wants to come to some sort of resolution.
One person might have grown up in a home where fights where consistent and saw that one or both caregivers would just act if nothing took place, conditioning them to believe this was an acceptable form of communication. Another person might have seen their caregivers resolve the disagreement right after it took place, conditioning them to practice this in their adult relationships.
t's not necessarily good or bad forms of communication to do either but it is definitely not sustainable for a long-term relationship.
If this is something that is happening in a relationship you are engaged in, you might want a change.
What I suggest to individuals is to openly talk with your partner, friend or family member about your "communication language". Openly explain your "pain points" or "triggers" which might be their form of communication like "sweeping it under the rug" or walking away. Openly explain expectations when there is a disagreement or miscommunication. For example "if we have a fight and it begins to get too heated one or both of us will say we are in the "red zone" meaning we both need time to cool off by taking a break and once the break is over (whether you decide to make it 30 minutes-1 hour or more) we will reconvene and begin again".
If needed I also suggest putting a reminder somewhere you can see because sometimes old habits, especially around communication, are hard to break and new techniques are hard to remember. I have suggested putting a photo of a red light on the wall, putting a red light as your phone background, or if you can remember setting an alarm before the conversation takes place as a reminder to check-in with yourself and your partner, family member, or friend.
I have also suggested letter writing. Both partners, friends or family member will write the other a letter about the miscommunication, fight or disagreement. They will always begin with a form of gratitude and compassion for the other person. For example: "I love you and I appreciate you. It has been a pleasure having you in my life." Then you can move into expressing your feelings around the situation. Always end with a a form of acceptance and more compassion. For example "This was made to help our relationship because I want it to grow and prosper. I value you and our relationship. I accept you and I love you."
Again, these letters are not to make one person wrong and another right, if that's the aim in your writing than this will not work. If that is your aim in any communication it will not be sustainable. You need to come from a place of compassion. You are trying to get to a place of acceptance and understanding not a place of blame.
In all forms of communication we want to approach it from a place of compassion, reconciliation and acceptance. There can not be a right person or wrong person. Both parties need to take responsibility and choose the path of unconditional & radical acceptance.
With time and practice communication can be molded into a more sustainable style for each individual within the relationship.
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